I’m just not ready yet… 4


Recently, I had to face a horrifying fact of life, that, honestly, I do not think I will ever really be ready for when it actually happens.

I am referring to the death of my Mom.

A few nights ago I got a call that my Mom was in the hospital. My Dad called me and said that she had been deprived of oxygen for who knows how long, most likely all day. That she had a collapsed lung, and that she had been sedated and put on a ventilator. Her condition was severe and life threatening. She had lost a lot of the oxygen in her blood, and it had turned to acid causing a condition known as hypoxia. Later we found out it wasn’t just a collapsed lung but also a small hole, as well. This was definitely getting to be more than I could handle, 900 miles away from her.

When I finally got the chance to talk to a doctor, I asked her “should I come home? I mean, right now, go buy a plane ticket and come home? Is she that bad off?” The reply I got was, “I wouldn’t want to tell you not to, but you might should go ahead and come. It is pretty bad.”

I cried tears I did not know I had, tears of fear, and anger, and sadness. I cried because my Mom is my best friend in this entire world. I can go to her with any problem, and question, anything! Even just to be in the room with her sometimes, is nice to just be there with her and say nothing. I am not ready to never have another conversation with her; to never, hug her and tell her how much I love her; to never hear her laugh, or see her smile, or have her tell me it will be okay even if it wont because she knows it will help me to stay calm. I am not ready to never introduce her to another grandchild, or a great grandchild.

I don’t want to live in a world without my Mom. She is my rock, and knows just what to say to ease my mind when I am upset, she knows everything about me.

She is my Mother, the best Mother, the most wonderful, loving, beautiful, caring Mother, and I love her with all of my heart and soul.

It is so hard for me to write this through the tears, but I wanted to share this with you.

When I started my own family I had to move away, and this ripped me apart inside as the rest of my family lives 4 states away from me now. I worry about my Mom, and her health issues, and if she can just be a little healthier, maybe my son will get to know his amazing Nana, and know her love, feel her kisses, and have her wipe away a few tears. She deserves that chance, and I want her to have it.

To-date, she has gotten a little better, her lungs are trying to heal, and she is raring to go home but needs a few more days in the ICU according to her doctors. Hopefully, she will stay there and let them get her better before she runs out the door. Luckily, this time, I did not lose her, but the fear I had when I truthfully realized that one day I will have to say goodbye had me shaking all over, and more upset than I have ever been.

If you are on bad terms with your Mother, I beg you, please talk to her and make it right. Even if she is the one in the wrong. You only get one, and she cannot be replaced. I know that I do not want my last words to be anything other than “Moma, I love you”.

(Above: Left- My mother & father 1984 when she was pregnant with me
Right- My mother and me when I was 16 years old)

I know that I am not ready to say goodbye just yet. We have many more days, years, laughs, memories, and tears to share before that day comes I hope. Until then I will be sure to let my Mother know everyday how much I love her, and what she means to me, because, after all, she is the only one I’ll ever have.

Let us know what you think:

4 thoughts on “I’m just not ready yet…

  • Reply

    I lost my last grandparent last year, and at this point I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to lose a parent. My dad is healthy at this point but he’s already at the average life expectancy, and that really scares me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

  • Reply
    Judy maharrey

    A mother is a blessing on so many levels. She knows you like no on else can, and will anchor you all her life. I am glad she is doing better and you have a chance to be with her.

  • Reply

    I’m glad to hear your mom is healing and I hope she continues to feel better. I am also very close with my mom and thinking about her dying puts me into anxiety attacks and hysterical crying…I just can’t imagine! We also live four states apart and but we talk most days, for easily an hour each time.

  • Reply
    Marlene Cash

    Beautiful just beautiful. i am in tears. keeping you and your beautiful mom in thoughts and prayers as always .